The adult life - over and over again

There are many milestones in life where we consider ourselves

becoming an adult such as when we turn 18 and we actually are a legal adult. Or when we graduate high school, college, when we get our first job. Maybe when we sign our first lease, buy a house, pay our own bills or learn about benefits. All of these things come in time. It's not one moment where you know all of the adult-y things. We conquer one and we face another.

I recently started at the YWCA Cass Clay as a shelter advocate. Starting this job was surreal as it was my first full time job after I graduated college. I thought, "Look at me adulting." "I've made it." And then, I realized that I knew nothing as I was helping people with credit, social security, benefits, etc. I also had to start attending meetings regarding my own benefits and insurance. After multiple meetings, I still don't know. However, my point in telling you this is that I reach a point where I finally feel comfortable and I know what I am doing, but then I face something new and it's "adulting" all over again. Adulting is continual learning. It's being a problem solver when facing the every day.

Within the past couple of weeks, I have partaken in a leadership training through Dale Carnegie. At our most recent session, I realized that I felt out of place. Within this group, I felt like I was still a student- like I didn't know anything. The training is engaging to a point where I HAVE to speak up and share my thoughts. In the most recent training specifically, I vocalized many times how I am not confident, i'm insecure and don't know what I am doing. Repeatedly the other participants shared that they don't know what they are doing either. It is something that we figure out as we go. However, this wasn't comforting to my soul. The leader stated, "Jess, we wouldn't know that you weren't confident if you didn't tell us. I challenge you to stop preambling with that statement." I felt called out- which was probably good. And then my mind led me to a stream of overthinking about what others thought and that I was probably annoying them. However, this has struck with me within the past couple of days.

I was processing my experience within the past year with COVID, being diagnosed with depression and walking the path of medication and side effects, working 4 jobs at a time and so much more. I associated my insecurities with my depression and that I would not give myself credit for what I am good at. I know deep down that I am doing a good job and that I am worthy and should be proud of myself. However, I don't feel it. Compliments don't seem to sink in really at all. As I was sitting with these feelings, I texted the one person I knew who I could text a jumble of my feelings to and they would decipher my words with care, consideration and would understand what I was trying to say. We met for coffee to talk more about what I was thinking and feeling. She shared with me her perspective as I was sharing updates on how everything is going. What she said was profound.

She shared that she believes my insecurity is not due to my depression and anxiety rather the transition of learning how to be a professional. How not to be a student, working multiple jobs and always having something to do. Learning to sit in the here and now. Learning to be still. Learning to interact as a professional. Yet, this can take a lot of self-talk. Although my mental health can impact my self talk then influencing my feelings, I resonated with not knowing how to act as a professional. Not knowing how to engage in a professional training with co-workers who have been in their positions for 2-8 years. She reminded me that just because I don't have as many experiences in this current position, they hired me due to the experiences that I have had. Sharing experiences that are not directly related to my current job can feel out of place, however, we all have these learning experiences they just may be from different situations. This coffee date was eye-opening.

Some days, yes, I am insecure- aren't we all? However, I am simply learning how to exist in this world. How to exist and act in this role that is unfamiliar to me. Something that I have never really experienced in my 23 years of life.

Adulting is hard. Adulting reminds me that there is so much I don't know. There are so many things to learn and to be aware of. Right now, I am thankful for people to process life with. I am thankful for the people who don't give up on me even when I don't stop talking about how I am not confident. I am thankful for those who continue to help me become better. For

the leader of our Dale Carnegie training to challenge me in front of the group. For my mentor to continually challenge me to learn, grow and give myself grace. I am thankful for the people who continually remind me of my strengths and of the things that I have accomplished.

So, here's to the journey. The continual journey of adulting over and over and over again as we will never have everything figured out. But we can do our darnest to keep going. To keep learning. To keep growing. Even when the self talk is overtaking our minds. Even when it feels like we don't have the capacity to learn another thing right now. Because we have the people in our lives who believe in us, even when we don't believe in ourselves. We have the people who will continue to challenge, walk alongside and decipher our confusing thoughts when all of the feelings are present.

Lean into these people. Keep them around. Because. We can't do this alone.

In this together,

Jess