Overcoming Mind Games

When I was in middle school, I went to bible camp. This was the only summer that I ever went to camp and let me tell you, it was the worst. I was in a cabin with my best friend and a lot of other middle school girls who I didn’t want to connect with. It was during this week at camp that my friend told me that she was struggling with suicidal thoughts. I don’t remember what I thought in that moment. Throughout the week, the rest of my cabin found out this information as well and I tried to stay strong. I tried to hold all of the pieces together for myself and for my friend. However, I don’t think I fully understood the reality of my friend’s situation. As we returned from camp, I didn’t talk about this situation with anyone. My parents would bring it up occasionally but I never shared how I was feeling with them. The rest of my friend group seemed to not care as much as I did. I didn’t know who to talk to or who to trust. It was through this hard and scary situation that I started to take my faith more seriously. I felt so alone. I felt like nobody knew what I was going through or what I was feeling. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone and that I had to be strong, for the sake of everyone around me and for myself. I spent multiple afternoons after school in my youth director’s office. It was the only place where I felt that I could simply, be, without people harassing me with questions or asking if I was okay and yet, if I wanted to talk, I knew I could. It was through these years that I started to really cling to God. I clung to my faith because I felt like I didn’t have anyone else. I don’t ever remember praying on my own, without a script, before this season of my life. This season of my life was hard, yet, it was the real start to my faith journey and I have learned and grown so much through that season.

Let me tell you another story.

I remember the feeling walking into that crowded small office. It was the moment that I would find out what team I would be on for high school basketball. I had worked so hard during try outs and I was finally a junior, which meant that I would be on varsity. Right? At least I thought so. I walked into that small office with my coaches. I was feeling confident, knowing that I worked hard during try outs and even if I did not have a lot of talent, I worked my butt off. I don’t remember what was said in that office. What I do remember was the walk back to the locker room. Alone. Feeling like I just had my heart ripped out of my chest. I then knew that the person who went in before me, also didn’t make the team. They were gone by the time I got to the locker room. I didn’t think that walking out of that gym to the office would be my last time walking out of the gym as a high school basketball player. I was broken. I spent my childhood going to basketball camps, staying active, spending time playing in the driveway. I worked hard and sports was all I knew. But I would be okay because even though I felt embarrassed for what seemed like the following year, I still had soccer. I went from being a three sport athlete to suddenly only having one.

Soccer season came around and I was excited. I remember being nervous because I wasn’t in a winter sport and I would be out of shape in comparison to everyone else. But, I was so excited to get back to the sport that I really loved with friends that I had been playing with since I was little. It was my junior year soccer season. I played goalie and even though I knew that I wasn’t the best, I knew I wasn’t the worst either! It was a couple of days before tryouts when I started to feel betrayed by my friends. There was talk about trying to get someone new to try out to be goalie. I thought to myself, “Why? Why do we need someone new? Am I not good enough? Am I worse than I thought?” These thoughts lived with my through the rest of the season. Everything turned out okay. I suppose. Someone new did join as goalie. Someone who had no experience playing soccer. Did not know the rules. But she was better friends with everyone else on the team than I was. She eventually started playing more and more. She started playing varsity more often and frankly, everyone wanted her to play more often as well. It hurt. I felt betrayed by my closest friends. That year, we won state soccer. But it seemed like everyone was more proud of her than they were of me. It sometimes doesn’t feel like I was truly apart of that team.

These two stories depict two completely different times in my life when I felt alone. I felt like there were so many more challenges and obstacles to face than there really needed to be or should be. In both of these situations, I was telling lies to myself that I needed to be a better friend. That I had to be the strong one. That I wasn’t good enough. These hard seasons come and they go. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that this season of COVID-19 is a hard season.

These past few months have been hard. I would like to think that everyone is experiencing a new kind of hard all in our own unique ways. It seems like my weeks are on a good week, bad week rotation. But let’s be real, it changes every single day. When this all started, I was on spring break. I was supposed to be preparing to go to New Orleans on a service and sabbath trip with Crossroads Campus ministry at NDSU. I was so excited. But then the uncertainty came around. The hard questions of whether or not we should go started to arise and those hard conversations had to happen. I was left with the disappointment of not going but also now knowing the good in that decision. However, this left me at my apartment alone for a week. One week turned into three as classes were suspended due to the uncertainty of the world situation. I learned how to fill my time as I was in my apartment afraid to go out into

the world. I took up water coloring, I read more books in those three weeks than I have in the past three years, I found a devotion to work through, etc. I learned to fill my time in a productive manner. However, I remember having a conversation with a mentor of mine and I said, “How the heck are we actually going to do this?” And the basis of her response was “One thing at a time. Just focus on the next right thing.” That was the first time that I started to feel scared for the situation that we are in. I never thought that we would be here two months later, just reopening everything. One week would be great and I would have a lot of great connections over FaceTime and then it seemed like the next week, I could barely do one assignment a day. Everything is so up in the air right now. I don’t know about you, but being stuck in my apartment with not a lot of noise around me, has left me in my head. A LOT. I caught myself playing mind games with myself the other week thinking that someone I meet with every week since this has started, didn't want to talk to me anymore and that her time would be better spent talking with someone else. OH MY GOSH. How ridiculous. I have caught myself telling lies to myself all weekend because of one situation in my life that has boiled over to the other parts of my life. I caught myself writing on my notes the other day, “Why are you such a fuck up?” I was thinking “Why can’t you ever say or do anything right” or “Why do you always have to screw things up?” “You aren’t valued. You aren’t important. You aren’t enough.” We all catch ourselves playing mind games and telling lies to ourselves. But do you slow down enough to catch it and stop in the moment and say, “That is not true and here’s why. “ I reached out to my friend when I was thinking all of these things and said, “This may sound very selfish but can you tell me something positive about myself and that I don’t always mess everything up?” Of course, she sent me this uplifting and encouraging message. Sometimes we just need a simple reminder of who we are. What are you going to do when this doubt and when these thoughts creep in? For me, I first have to feel it. Then, I name it. Name whatever I'm feeling but dig a little deeper to find out where that’s stemming from. And lastly, I do what I need to do to know that those lies are simply that, LIES. Currently, I’m working on a project of the lies that I am believing right now. I wrote down all of the lies that I have been telling myself and believing recently. I named them. I claimed them. And now, I’m going to crush them. I then wrote next to all of them the reasons and examples of why they are simply, lies. Whether those were words from friends, memories or an example of a time when I didn’t mess something up.

Throughout this experience, I think I have experienced some of the hardest times. And. Some of the loneliest times. Maybe it feels like this because it is the most fresh in my mind and still feels raw or maybe this is an all new kind of hard and lonely. As much as it sucks to say, I can almost guarantee that this isn’t the last hard season that I will go through, and probably not for you either. But hard seasons are also where we can learn and we can grow immensely.

The devil is trying to work through these lies that we tell ourselves and these hard seasons that we find ourselves in. The devil tries to grasp these simple things. But God walks through the fire with us. God is there in the hard times and rejoices with us in the good times. The lies that we tell ourselves aren’t Godly. I believe that God would never want you to think that you are not good enough, that you are not special or important or whatever lies you may be telling yourself. God claims you as His Child. God names you. God fearfully and wonderfully created you. God finds delight in you and rejoices over you. Read that again. God claims you as His child. God names you. God fearfully and wonderfully created you. God finds delight in you and rejoices over you. I believe that God smiles at us because He is SO STINKING PROUD of His creation and He wouldn’t change you for the world. So today, claim your beauty. Claim your belovedness as a child of God. And let me remind you; You are special. You are important. You are valued and you are enough. You always will be.

Better Together,

Jess