Looking Back to Lead Us Forward

I have been writing in a journal since my freshman year of college. I don't know what sparked my interest but I'm sure glad I started. As of today, I have four full journals, marking about one a year and am currently halfway through the next one that I started just before quarantine began. One of my favorite parts of journaling is being able to look back on past experiences to see how much I have grown. A couple of weeks ago, I found a note in my journal from the summer of 2017 when I was serving as an intern at a ministry in Calacali, Ecuador. The page that I stumbled upon was written within the first few days that I was in Ecuador. We were in one of our classes where the focus was about living a missional life. We were asked, "What do you want? What do you want out of this summer? Out of your life?" This is what I wrote in my journal:

"What do I want:

Out of this summer: To know who I am in comparison to God and to know what it means to be a child of the creator of the universe.

Out of life: I want to be a youth director. To inspire (others). To be

a mentor. To create an environment where everyone feels loved. To be a role model."

I'm not surprised by these answers as I look back on them. Honestly, I would say that I'm impressed. The answer to what I want out of life is very similar to how I would answer that question today. I share this because it makes me think about growth. It makes me think about how much I have grown through the years, what I have learned and how some aspects of my life have changed while others remain the same.

Cliché sayings aren't usually my cup of tea, but I have been finding myself thinking of one in particular a lot recently. It goes, "Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different." So, I've been looking back recently and here are some areas that I have identified of how I have changed over time.

Throughout high school, my main concern was regarding what I could do that was going to make me fit in the most. I found my identity in who I called my friends, my success in sports and how much I fit in. Throughout my post high school years, I have grown into a strong independent young adult. I dream of how I can change the world. I ask questions about my faith and God almost every day. I strive to create an environment where everyone feels loved and welcomed just as they are. I find my identity in the Lord. This is some of the big picture ways that I have changed through my high school and college years.

As I look back more recently, this past year has been a year of immense growth. One way that I can see the growth through this past year is by who I am surrounded by and how that has changed over time. Last year, I had a group five friends. We spent the majority of our weeks with each other. It was odd if we spent more than two days in a row apart. I'm still friends with a few from this group, but nothing like last year. We have all grown. This year, I found myself very connected with Crossroads Campus Ministry as I was serving on student leadership. One person that I have learned a lot from recently has been my campus pastor. She has become my biggest mentor over the past couple of years. I can see how much I have grown by naming some of the things that she has taught me. Some of these lessons that I have been learning through this past year include; how to love well and to love big, how to walk alongside my friends and people I care about, the importance of being honest and living my truth. She has showed me how to be a better leader and simply, a better person. It's often that we learn lessons best by experiencing them ourselves. I have learned all of these things because she has shown me through her actions. Earlier this spring, I experienced a potential panic/anxiety attack. Now, this is all self-diagnosed however, it was still scary. I found myself on the floor in the copy room curled in a ball. I had a lot of feelings around the time this took place of wanting to hide. I would hide under my desk at my apartment because it felt safe. I would want to hide at work because of an awkward encounter. I texted my campus pastor after I left this situation and explained how I had never experienced that feeling so strongly before. I was scared. Her response is an example of how she has taught me some of these lessons because it was in her response that I knew that she deeply cared. We met for coffee approximately 30 minutes later right before I had to go to work. I remember sitting at that table and the look that we exchanged. I barely had to say anything for her to know that I was hurting. My heart felt heavy. I was scared. I was emotional. I didn't know what to do. But, she walked with me.

It's through these experiences with others that we learn these lessons and we grow over time. In all seasons of my life, I have learned lessons from those around me, some good and some not so great. Some people come and go through our lives while others are in our lives for the long haul. In all situations, we grow through knowing that person and walking with them, whether for a long period of time or just a short season.

Who we are continually changes. Our interests and passions and even our core values may change over time however, what I have been reflecting on since finding my journal entry from three years ago is this:

Even though we change over time, are there parts of us that remain the same at the core of who we are?

Through the time between when I wrote that journal entry and today, my love for the world and for God remains. My desire to create an environment where everyone is welcome and loved just as they are, has grown. I still want to inspire others, to be a role model and to be a mentor. Will these ever change over time? Or are these apart of who I am at my core? I would like to think that these will remain with me as some of my core values and goals. I know that I will continue to learn, grow and change throughout the years ahead of me and the way that I live out these core values and goals may change, yet I believe that the foundation of them will remain.

I was asked a couple of weeks ago by someone close to me, "Who are you, really?" I didn't know what to say. If someone asked you this, how would you answer them? Would you tell them the surface level things about you including your occupation, where you live and your favorite food? Or would you tell them your goals in life, your wildest dreams and your core values? How would you answer this question in a way that fully encompasses who you are?

As I was trying to answer this question, I made a list of what I am passionate about, my core values, some random things that I love, some of my personality traits and my goals and hopes for my life and for the world. As I was reading through what I came up with, I felt unsatisfied because it didn't fully encompass who I am. It still felt surface level. I was thinking of how many other people these exact words could describe. Everything that I wrote was true and honest, but it was a lot of the bigger picture concepts regarding who I am. I felt like it was missing who I am from day to day.

I have spent hours reflecting on this concept of "Who am I" and I don't have an answer of how to respond when someone asks this question. However, what I do know is that some basic beliefs and values that we have don't necessarily change over time.

This is what I have learned looking back from my journal:

Some things have changed immensely and will continue to change but there are parts of you and me that is the foundation of who we are and will remain with us always.

I'm glad that I have changed and I'm looking forward to more ways that I will continue to grow and change in the future. Wherever you are or however you are feeling as you read this, just know that your experiences have shaped the uniqueness of who you are, what you believe, your core values and your hopes and dreams for yourself and for the world.

I encourage you to ask yourself the question "Who are you?" What would you say to someone if they asked you this? Even though words may never be able to fully encompass who we are and we may never be able to express our whole selves in a simple conversation, exploring this question helps us to really know who we are. What really matters to you? What are you passionate about? What are your core values? So, when the inevitable change comes, may we remember the things that make up the foundation of who we are- the things that remain with us throughout all of the other changes- and let that lead us forward.

So, here's to living your truth.

Better Together,

Jess